There is something strange about freedom after captivity. When you are a captive, you are full of longing for whatever waits on the other side of it. Perhaps you yearn or dream, or you burn with anger and grief, but either way, so much of your being is dedicated to the potential of what you will be when you finally escape it.
Leaving those confines meant war, first, and then there was no war, and then I spent a long time waiting to be the man I imagined I would simply become when given the room to do so. I was met instead with doubt that I ever would be that, that perhaps the Circles had taken so much from me (in time and spirit and opportunity) that I would remain a captive to them even while they lay in rubble. It is my suspicion that you understand what I am talking about.
It is difficult to put into words the way you have made me feel like this isn't so, that I am complete and whole, and like I can only say that you have. Perhaps it is in part because you do not come from the Circles or a world that contains them, but it is also that you understood how the horrors of war can only be matched by the hope in the thing those wars are trying to accomplish. I fell in love with you properly when I saw you knew this to be true.
With you, that sense of hope took form and shape. Many years ago, I had torn down stone walls and then simply stood in its remains. With you, I left it behind.
Although I am sorry we did not get to share more time together, the time we did have has made all else worth it. Like an unearned gift, which you must know is my favourite kind. I hope that in my absence, you will still find opportunities to let your temper fly at someone (deserving or not), and allow pretty and frivolous things into your life even if you don't want them there.
I love you. Know that if ever the world ceases to bend to your will, then it deserves breaking.
letter to petrana.